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By Stephen Levinson, Shek Baker and Chris Messick
Hinduism
Hinduists believed that the universe was divided into five
different levels of consciousness, and through decades of meditation
and recitation of the holy book the Bhagavad Gita, the ultimate one-ness
with
Universe could be attained
Reason for failure: the Bhagavad
Gita is really, really boring
Bahá'í
Followers of this faith believe in the sacredness of
all life. Bahá'u'lláhs, wearing
simple robes and the distinctive Baha hat, made helping each other and
living in harmony with the world their sacred duty in life. Within a
decade, sickness, poverty and war was eliminated in their communities.
Reason
for Failure: The Baha hat was kind of gay.
Larryism
Followers of this unique sect worshiped a deity they
called "Larry" who would provide them with all their earthly
needs
provided they lived a modest life of sacrifice and prayer.
Reason
for Failure: Larry who was actually just some dude who worked
at
Blockbuster, was never really that into the whole 'Larryism' thing.
Zoroastrianism
Reason for Failure: Shitty name.
Godism
Okay, there really isn't a religion called "Godism,"
but shouldn't there be? Though we call Him by many names in many languages,
aren't we, underneath, worshiping the same Deity? Maybe if all the cultures
of the world joined their prayers together in one brand new religion,
Godism, we'd have fewer conflicts and misunderstandings.
Reason
for Failure: In addition to combining the underlying truths from
all major religions, I like to imagine that Godists also participate in
ritual human slaughter, a practice that would quickly lead to its decline.
Islam
So far the world's only religion that requires its adherents
to master the professional wrestling move known as the 'brain buster.'
In the ring, Islamish people wear garish costumes and face coverings known
as 'wrestling mosques.'
Reason for failure: The golden championship belt was sold off
for budgetary reasons and replaced by a less popular model packed with
nails and ball bearings.
Judaism
The Judish people believed that an ancient man named Noah gathered
his family and some animals into a large boat, or 'ark,' and in this way
survived a catastrophic flood; the ark was later lost.
Reason for failure: I don't know, nobody was into it that much.
You know, Steve stopped coming to the meetings and I guess we all got
into lots of other cool shit. No big.
Christy Ann-ity
The worship of Christy Ann Hollingwood, of Lubbock, TX.
Reason for failure: Largely abandoned when she got married
and totally let herself go.
Catholicism
Let's just say these guys are really, really into beanie
babies.
Reason for failure: Outbid on ebay for original
'Flash the Dolphin' by candiangel1968, religion decides to say, 'fuck
it.'
Buddhism
Teaches its followers to forego earthy fears and desires
in order to achieve spiritual perfection, emphasizing harmony in temporal
relationships and prudence in fiscal matters.
Reason for failure: They all got super fat.
Wicca
Mixing traditions from all the major religions with smelly
candles, it is not unusual for Wiccans to enjoy a meal of matzo ball soup
and Christ's body before sacrificing a captured enemy to a handful of
sun gods.
Reason for failure: Too stupid.
New Ageism
New Agers look to nature or, more frequently, endlessly
tedious CDs that sound like nature, as they attempt to live in perfect
harmony with the goddess' true path.
Reason for failure: FAILURE? Dare you question the deadly
omnipotance of our New Age Lord and Master? Repent lest ye be struck down
by her jealous wrath!
Read more about religion here.
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