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Funston
There never was a more aptly named place. Looky: a shed. What is in the shed? Discarded farm machinery. La la la! If you are the only person ever who is not into a shed with broke down crap in it, just outside of town is the Homestead Genetics Embryo Transfer Center, right in between Nowhere and Not a God Damned Thing. |
 If you think this is fun, wait until you get to Orgasmston. |
BRITISH Let’s say you’re in the American Southwest, you’re looking for a popular tourist destination, and you know it’s around here somewhere, but you just can’t for the life of you find the thing. Well, there’s a creature indigenous to these parts which might be able to lead you to the UFO ‘Crash Site’…the elderly Englishperson. If the Ghost Town eludes you, follow the funny teeth. If you’re so close to the canyon you can smell it, let the naked spindly legs carry you there. No, that’s no mirage up ahead, just sunlight dancing and sparkling on distant pasty faces; you’ve found the Desert Vortex at last. Remember, the old limeys are polite, but sensitive, so don’t make fun of their ludicrous hats (unless you want to see their blotchy skin flush. So cute!) |
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Anson A place that recalls the All-American villages of the 19th century Midwest, with red bricks and cobblestones everywhere, and a handsome courthouse standing in the town square. Why, you can almost smell the apple pie cooling on the sill, except you can’t, because you’ve been inhaling manure for seven Goddamned hours in a row and now you couldn’t smell a flaming tire if they surgically replaced the skin on your face with pieces of flaming tires, and shoved them into your nostrils and moved them around to make them rub against the part of your brain that smells things. |
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Worth I’m going to run a class on signage design in Texas. Since I spent three days driving through Texas looking at the signs they have there, I feel like that’s some kind of intensive course that gives me expert, insider knowledge. Ready? Ok. A Texas sign should be big. No, bigger than that. God, your sign is puny. Where do you think you are, Oregon? I said a BIG sign. BIG AS TEXAS. Finally. Now you have to write something on the sign, some sort of message that can sell your product to a person in Texas. Remember, these are not regular people. They are super special, and probably stronger and fatter than you, so don’t piss them off. Appeal to 1) pride in Texasness, 2) pride in bigness, 3) pride in not un-Texasness, 4) desire not to be messed with, 5) belief that God is ready to kick the crap out of you, and 6) imaginary autonomy from the rest of the United States that hasn’t existed since 1845. Go! |
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Destination:
Awesome
