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Palm
Springs
Take one Los Angeles. Subtract one Pacific
Ocean, add fifteen degrees fahrenheit, and shake until everything that
isn't a hotel or a strip mall falls out. Now you've got one Palm Springs,
and yes, it's cooked. Back in the days when being gay wasn't allowed (look
for them again starting 2009!), Hollywood's less-than-hetero set flocked
here to have a good time, gaining some seclusion at the cost of having
their skin melt off in the desert vulcan fire. Now the sexuality of vacation
seekers has evened out, and the residential population is the same sun
and suburb loving conservatives, making for…well, they've got an
IMAX! |
Southern Pacific
Railroad
Trains. Fun train fact: every time a train comes within 100 yards of a
building, it blows its horn many, many times, so you're sure to get out
of the way. But, the thing is, trains pretty much only travel on tracks.
And if somebody's on the track, chances are they want to be hit by the
train. So, the horn isn't for them. Now, anyone trying to get some shuteye
in a shack fifty yards from the tracks isn't about to jump up and start
running toward an oncoming locomotive for no reason, so the horn isn't
for them, either. I guess if the train jumped the tracks and started careening
toward a building, then you might want to blow the horn to warn people,
but at the point, who's going to move because of the train horn? That
thing blows all the time anyway. Stupid trains. |
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Indio
Sitting at the bare edge of civilization, this town endures a 10,000 percent
population increase every year when it hosts a hundred thousand Indie
rock hipsters for the Coachella Music Festival. The rest of the year it
busies itself growing dates. Can't get a 'date?' Come to Indio, where
the dates never 'stand you up,' and you won't ever find a bad 'blind date,'
ha ha. Anyway, if you're on the road, and it's getting kind of dark out,
you might want to take a motel here, even if it looks like a place your
mother wouldn't want to stay in. Take my word for it. |
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The
Salton Sea
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| Good thing they have that sign |
In 1905, some irrigation engineers trying to divert the
Colorado River messed up a levee here and a breakwater there, and ended
up depositing the whole raging tributary onto the desert floor for two
years. The resulting artificial lake drew beachgoers and boaters regularly
up until the mid 1960's, when the forces of evaporation had succeeded
in returning the area halfway to its God-forsaken natural state.
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| Somehow, worse than this |
Everyone who could afford to get out of town did, and
the rest stayed behind in trailer park shantytowns as most of the businesses
around them disintegrated and rapidly receding shores revealed beaches
packed with fish cadavers.
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| Universal symbol for 'Boarded up Building This
Exit' |
Today…well, you know that movie The Salton Sea,
where there's an evil drug dealer with a removable nose, and Val Kilmer
is sitting inside a burning building calmly playing the trumpet? That's
a very generous depiction. Also, you know those road signs that promise
gas, food and/or lodging at the next turnoff? Well, they are not in a
big giant hurry to update those. |
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Niland
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| Yes, and that's not all! |
Now, this place may just be a zero stoplight dust farm with
the Salton Sea attacking the front edge and the Mojave desert sneaking up
behind, but it features accommodations to rival the best of them, such as
those offered by 'Motel.' 'Motel' boasts many unique amenities, and if for
some reason you would like something extra, like soap, the manager is more
than happy to roll down to your tiny room on her armless chair-scoot to
tell you they're all out of it. She greets every guest at the door to her
apartment with a friendly 'What?' and wears a tent, letting you know that
she knows a little something about comfort. Don't worry about running up
more credit card debt, 'Motel' only takes cash! And comfort isn't all you
can expect once you force open the door to your cozy dwelling and jam the
lock shut behind you. 'Motel' lets you screw in your own light bulbs, so
that you know the help hasn't screwed it up! A dark, two-foot stain on the
carpet insures that you won't have to make your own! Fluid soiled sheets
and mismatched pillowcases make you feel right at home. The bathroom comes
fully equipped with spiders, a light bulb that plugs directly into any ungrounded
electrical socket, and a tiled booth with a faucet and a rubber hose for
anyone who needs to wash their mule. And hey, do you like sleeping? The
ceaseless music of barking dog packs and the blast of a freight train every
thirty minutes is sure to lull you into a deep slumber in no time. |
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Destination:
Awesome