Let's be honest: Many would-be sports fans never make it past the headlines. Too cryptic. Too bold-faced. I understand, but you mustn't let that stand between you and sports. Take my mit, gentle reader, I will lead you through.

“NFL Testifies Before Congress”
ESPN.com

Explanation: This is a perfect example of a needlessly confusing headline. Reading it, you might be confronted by an image of the entire NFL, hundreds upon hundreds of sports players, simultaneously testifying before a panel of elected representatives. Surely this can not be so, you think. Dear Lord, the logistics! And so, your head aswim, you skip over the story. First lesson: Trust your instincts. That is exactly what happened: A small army of beefy behemoths proclaimed their innocence, loudly and all at once, their voices shaking the very foundation of the Capitol Building. The subject of their protestations: Steroids, and then too, When is lunch?

“Mini-Moose”
New York Post

Explanation: Your first reaction when confronted with these words splashed across the back page of the New York Post is probably fear or denial. Searching for meaning, you might begin to read the caption: "Mike Mussina reacts after giving up a two-run homer . . ." And it goes on, in the Post's trademark pidgen English. Ignore it. As near as I can tell, the story is actually about a small moose. A moose the size of a bulldog. Remember: Trust your instincts.

“Grudzielanek cycles Cards’ 11th of 12”
ESPN.com again

Explanation: The first thing you need to know is that Grudzielanek is the Slovene word for colonic, and colonic is the sports word for enema. After that, this headline is pretty much self-explanatory.

“The $90 Million Ragtag Wonders”
Sports Illustrated
Explanation: This is a story about the Dodgers.

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Michael Northrop is a writer and editor living in New York. There may be others. Send your sports-related questions to michael@supermasterpiece.com.

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