I am a man of the world. I haven't been to exotic foreign countries like Europe, Africa, or the Orient, but I do speak the international language: sports. Here are the answers to this week's sports questions.

“With instant offense and tons of energy off the bench, the Dallas Mavericks have to be the deepest team in the NBA. Am I right, or am I right?”

-Dan “the Man” Monahan, Fort Worth, Texas

A: Let's assume you're right, and the Mavericks are as profound as you say. That still wasn't a real question. That was a statement dressed up as a question. You are one of those guys who likes to listen to himself talk, aren't you? Don't answer. That wasn't a question.

“I know it was just his second season coaching the Jayhawks, but this year's NCAA flameout has shaken my confidence. Is Bill Self still the right man to coach Kansas?”

-Franklin Whitlock, Topeka, Kansas

A: I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing Self doubt, Franklin. But come on, two seasons? Instant gratification is for scratch-off lottery tickets, not coaching a team of sports players. Give him time, and don't fear short-term disappointment. You have to allow yourself to trust your Self.

“Will the NHL use replacement players to get back on the ice next season?”

-Ken Bing, Buffalo, New York

A: Over time, players in all sports must be replaced. They're like wives, in that sense. Sometimes this is due to normal wear and tear, but viscosity and thermal breakdown can also play a role. You should get your sports players checked regularly and avoid taking them out in treacherous conditions.

“Did you see the whoopin' the Mavs laid on the Spurs last week? Harris to Van Horn — no look! — for the jam! Was that some kind of performance or what?”

–Dan “the Man” Monahan, Fort Worth, Texas

A: Damn it, Dan! What did I just tell you about these Texan non-questions? Still, your enthusiasm is causing my Grinch-like sports heart to expand twelvefold, so I will converse with you. Did you know that Van Horn is Dutch for "of horn"? Though, in Dutch, horn is spelled hoorn. Here's "Harris to Van Horn – no look! – for the jam!" in Dutch: Harris aan van Hoorn – geen blik! – vor de jam!

Previous Week — Next Week

Michael Northrop is a writer and editor living in New York. There may be others. Send your sports-related questions to michael@supermasterpiece.com.

.