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“Who was the first player to pitch a no-hitter on Opening Day?” -Joseph Modiglioni, St. Louis, Missouri A: Hey, Joe, here comes someone in a Mets cap. Surely, he must know about no-hitters. [Introduction, question, brief scuffle.] Wow, he was touchy, huh? Here comes someone in an Indians jersey, just like the ones in the movie Major League. Let's ask him. [Murmuring, no scuffle.] What a nice guy — and informative! A guy named “Rapid Robert” was the first one to do that thing you said. He did it in 1940. [More murmuring.] And his last name was Feller. “Who will win the NBA Rookie of the Year award? Will Ben Gordon's fourth-quarter heroics give him the edge over Emeka Okafur's consistency and Dwight Howard's athleticism?” -Charles F. Rogers, New London, Connecticut A: Hmmm, it seems like there's a joke there somewhere. Like: Hey, Chuck, what's an Okafor? [pause] For playing basketball! Consistently! Seriously, though, I'd go with the guy who's one-quarter heroic. That's just the right amount of hero for a rookie. “Why do sports writers know so much more than the rest of us about sports?” -Aris Georgiadis, New York, NY A: Excellent question! The answer: Because we are so handsome that knowledge naturally gravitates toward us. Once there, the sports knowledge gets caught in our manly, Don Johnson-esque stubble. This is also where the egg salad gets caught when we roll our paunchy, threadbare carcasses up to the buffet table before games. “Do you think athletes have a responsibility to be role models for our children?” –Lydia Montrose, Tampa, Florida A: Our children? Whoa! Listen, lady, I'm sure you're nice and all, but I haven't even met you. Unless, wait, were you that tall chick at the Salty Sea Dog in Bradenton last February?
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Michael Northrop is a writer and editor living in New York. There may be others. Send your sports-related questions to michael@supermasterpiece.com. . |
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In honor of the Opening Day of baseball, I am writing this week's column
on a laptop in the park. Technology makes my life better and my vegetables
eerily perfect. Here are the answers to your sports questions.