There's a big sports tournament going on, and everyone is talking about it. Apparently, a lot of people got their brackets busted. Not to worry. It's nothing that some quick surgery and a truss can't fix. Here are the answers to this week's sports questions.

“With so many teams in the NCAA basketball tournament, how do you keep all the names straight?”

-Charles Li, Lincoln Park, Illinois

A: A guy I know who actually bet money on his knowledge of the tournament tells me that most of America's teams don't even make it in. You don't need to know the names of those teams and can refer to them collectively as "losers". That saves a lot of disk space in the ol' noggin right there. As for the other teams, have you tried giving them demeaning nicknames? Those are easy to remember. They certainly were for my elementary school classmates. Based on a piece of paper that the guy left by the copier, there's a team called the Fighting Illini. They become the Fighting Bulimics. They're a little thin on defense. Wisconsin Badgers? Wisconsin Boners. Try it, it's fun. I have the Washington Hickies going all the way.

“I like sports and I like kittens, but apart from my affection, the two don't seem to have anything in common. Am I wrong?”

-Jessica Siri, Massapequa, New York

A: Yes, Jessica, you are wrong. Kittens and sports have lots in common. In addition to the obvious things, like thick coats of matted hair, there are more subtle similarities. Too subtle to explain here.

“I'm really excited about baseball returning to Washington this season. Are the Nationals going to be any good?”

-Thad Bonner, Washington, DC

A: Dude, you're from DC? I just heard: There's going to be a new baseball team there this season. The Nationals. People are really excited. You should check 'em out.

“How many rounds are there in a standard heavyweight boxing match?”

–Jimmy Scalapari, Vacaville, California

A: 12. That's also my favorite number. I use it for everything, like playing Lotto or when I don't know the answer to a number-based question.

“I'm sick of people saying that I disappear in big games. What can I do to shut them up?”

–Chris Webber, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

A: Maybe you should appear in big games, like ones where you wouldn't necessarily be expected. You could be one of those dicks who run across the field during the Super Bowl. You know, the announcers are always like, "There's a fan on the field... Most unfortunate." But if you did it, the guy would still be like, "There's a fan on the field," but the other guy would be like, "That's no fan... that's Chris Webber, a player in another sport!" That would shut everyone up.

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Michael Northrop is a writer and editor living in New York. There may be others. Send your sports-related questions to michael@supermasterpiece.com.

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