Today’s Topic: The Best State

Point: Maryland is the Best State
by Chris Messick




Maryland Is the Greatest State in the Union, Hands Down.

Don't beleive me? Ask yourself this question: did your state donate ANY land to the federal government for it's capital city? No? Well MY state donated the whole damn thing.

A lot of famous people are from Maryland, including William Paca, John Barth, David Hasselhoff, and Dasheill Hammett. Also, Barry Levinson, John Waters, and Montel Williams. Like painfully unlistenable music? Maryland was once home to Phillip Glass, John Fahey, and Mama Cass. Let's see you top that, North Dakota! You suck!

Here's another great thing about Maryland: There's this island called Chincoteague where all of these wild ponies live. It's true!

Maryland is also notable for its varied natural terrain. Fans of swamps and flat farmland can spend hours ogling the eastern half of the state, while Urban Sprawl enthusiasts are sure to get a kick out ot the Western half. I think there are some mountains in there somewhere, and also possibly more swampland, but I'm not positive.

Another thing Maryland has that sets it apart is the DelMarVa Peninsula (aka "Sportsman's Paradise" or "This DelMarVa-lous Land"), which is a giant peninsula that includes the entire eastern half of the state. DelMarVa is short for DELaware, MARyland, and VirginiA. Hey, Michigan... what's your upper peninsula called? The Upper Peninsula, you say? Real creative, assholes!

Finally, I think it's cool that our state bird (the Baltimore Oriole) is also the name of our Major League Baseball franchise (the Baltimore Orioles). What other state can say that?

Shut up Missouri. I wasn't talking to you.

Mr. Messick is a co-founder of and a resident of Cincinnati, OH.

Counterpoint: You Fucking Stupid Asshole
by Shek Baker

"...Greatest state in the union, hands down?" You piece of commie bullshit. The Republic of Maryland, as a geographical and political entity, is so vastly superior to any other place known to exist that if you stop believing that fact, your brain bursts into flame and explodes out of your rectal orifice literally screaming the glory of Maryland, my beloved terra maria, like it was blasted out of a gun...ever notice what Maryland is shaped like? That's right: the gun of truth and justice, and incredible sexual climax, and shit tons of filthy money, you worthless punk.

We are more patriotic than you. We were so committed to the North during the Civil War that we suspended the rights of the citizens and elected a pro-Union government under the protection of gunpoint (or Maryland-point, as I like to say)! Ever heard of the United States Naval academy of the United States? How about the Star Spangled Motherfucking Banner? 1) It's here, and 2) we wrote it.

We are smarter than you. We decoded the human fucking genome. All of it. Think that was easy? Okay, smart stuff, we've got F. Scott Fitzgerald's decomposing corpse...yes, that would be F. Scott Goddamned Fucking Fitzgerald, literary genius.

We're more athletic than you. The last time four Major League Baseball pitchers won twenty or more games for the same club? 1971, for the Baltimore Orioles. Palmer, McNally, Cuellar and Dobson destroy you all. Guess what else? We got Cal Ripken, baseball's all time Iron Man. Guess what else? We got Babe Ruth. The bambino. The greatest baseball player of all time, and he was a native son of Baltimore. Look it up, fuckface. Even our horsies can run faster than you at The Preakness race, which is only part of the, oh I don't know, Triple Crown of horse racing.

Not convinced yet? Even our asses are badder ass than yours. We built this state on the backs of British convicts. You'll remember some of their descendants as the National Guardsmen who gave those 'innocent' Iraqi Abu Ghraib prisoners what was coming to them. We're the Free State, because we told Prohibition to fuck off. And we're the Old Line State, because our boys stood in Brooklyn to be slaughtered by the Redcoats as George Washington turned and hauled his candy ass over the East River. We got John Wilkes Booth, and we got Linda Hamilton...we killed the greatest president we ever had, and then for an encore we bumped off two terminators. You cannot touch us.

Our mascots kick your fucking ass inside out. State fish: rockfish, the fish that rocks. State fossil: Ecphora gardnerae gardnerae, a snail that could bore holes through your shell and slice you up with its radula. State dinosaur: Astrodon johnstoni, an immense herbivore that eats all your plants, you suffocate, you die. State tree: the White Oak lives to be 500 years old and provides outstanding shade.

We're blacker than you (Frederick Douglass, Thurgood Marshall, Harriet Tubman), we're whiter than you (Ben Stein, Spiro Agnew, Edward Norton), we're angrier than you (H. L. Mencken, Lewis Black, Dwight "Howlin' Mad Murdoch" Schultz), we're more compassionate than you (Clara Barton), and we're exposing your fucking corruption (Carl Bernstein) and your disgusting business practices (Upton Sinclair).

We're more talented than you (Eubie Blake, Billie Holiday, Jim Henson, Frank Zappa), and so far less talented than you that we lap you around and become even more talented (Tori Amos, Toni Braxton, Cab Calloway). We are tastier than you (blue crabs, soft shell crabs, muskmelons...that's right, EAT IT), we are more tolerant than you (colony founded to protect Catholics from persecution), and we are more committed to aviation than you (the College Park Airport is the oldest continually operated airport in The United States of America).

And by the way, Messick? The ponies run wild on Assateague Island (or You-a-teague, you-hole). Chincoteague's in Virginia, otherwise known as Not Maryland, a place where I will never be caught DEAD.

Shek Baker is alive and well and living in Brooklyn, NY.

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