Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

In the future, you will still be a total jerk. No one will be surprised, least of all me.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

In the future, you’ll tell everyone at work about that funny thing you saw on the Daily Show and you really, really won’t convey the humor of it well.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

In the future, maybe there will be a pill you can take to make you NICE. Wouldn’t that be great?

Aries (March 21-April 19)

In the future, you’re going to have kids and they’re going to smoke pot and you’re going to find it and take their stash and put a note in the box that says “we need to talk” and they’re going to find it while they’re hanging out with their friends, and they’re all, “guys, let’s smoke pot,” and they open up their secret box and see your note and they’re like, “oh shit, I am in so much trouble. I’ll never smoke pot again”

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

In the future, you will not be driving the car that you think.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

In the future, we will all be controlled by robots. So you might want to start building a secret bunker NOW. And stock up on tinfoil and canned beans.

Cancer (June 22-July 21)

In the future, I will still be doing this lame horoscope every week.

Leo (July 23-August 23)

In the future, you are going to be struggling with a body odor problem.

Virgo (August 23-September 23)

In the future, you’re going to have an affair with your psychologist and write a memoir about it. You’ll send it out to lots of literary agents and wait excitedly by the phone for them to call you with a book deal. Your psychologist will eventually drop you as a patient and you’ll wait outside her office with those bear claws from the donut shop she likes so much, and she’ll give you a tight little smile and tell you she can’t stop and chat, she has an appointment. The literary agents won’t call. Slowly, you’ll start to lose it. You won’t be able to sleep. You’ll start eating only turkey sandwiches on white bread with no mayo. You’ll stop bathing or going to work. Your ex-shrink/ex-lover will change her phone number. You’ll call the literary agents over and over and over demanding a response, but they’ll keep telling you that the boss is in a meeting. If I were you I would not go to therapy, ever.

Libra (September 23-October 23)

In the future, you will look back on this time with a dreamy sort of nostalgia, ignoring completely the fact that you cry yourself to sleep every night.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21)

In the future, you will have sex with your mother and kill your father. Yikes.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

In the future, look out for the monkeys.