Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Just fake it, for Christ’s sake.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

If the birthday/valentine’s day combo doesn’t get you any action this week you might as well throw in the towel. Just let yourself go. See if anyone notices or cares. It’ll be fun.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Cupid’s arrow. Coming at you. Super.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Alone again on V-Day? Don’t sweat it. Go out with your girls!!!!! Drink cosmos!!!!! It’ll be WAY more fun than going on a date, feeling the spark on new romance, having that exciting first kiss!!!! Guys suck!!!! Am I right????

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Huh. Wonder if that huge, nasty boil on your neck has anything to do with the fact that you can’t get a date. Or even get a girl to look at you without gagging a little. I wonder.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Making your coworkers homemade valentines with cute little puns on them isn’t pathetic! No way! It’s awesome. No one talks about you in hushed tones behind your back about how bad they feel for you, and how it breaks their heart that you try so hard! Really!

Cancer (June 22-July 21)

Clearing your throat, opening and closing desk drawers, and shifting around in your chair like an epileptic after you let a fart sneak out isn’t fooling anyone.

Leo (July 23-August 23)

Nice job, Cassanova. Talking about your guinea pig Snuffles who died in third grade was a brilliant move. Not transparent at ALL. Have you ever really looked at yourself? You’re like a walking caricature.

Virgo (August 23-September 23)

You should have gone for her ugly friend.

Libra (September 23-October 23)

Happy Valentine’s Day, baby. I know you said it’s 100% over with us, but in case you read this, I want you to know that I still think about you all the time. And when I say “all the time,” I actually mean “all the time.” I’m really not capable of thinking about anything else. It’s like, when I wake up in the morning, your name is on my lips. You’re everything. Everything. Everything. God I miss you. Shelly told me you have a new girlfriend. And that’s great! I’m really happy for you. I know in my heart that she will never be able to make you feel the way I can, but still---just want the best for you. And when she inevitably turns into a needy, shrill psycho, I will be waiting with open arms. Because we are soul mates. Do you know what that means? It means we are MEANT FOR EACH OTHER. We are cosmically bound. Which is why I keep your picture next to my bed and rub it against my boobs before I go to sleep at night. It’s why I talk to you all the time. Do you hear me? Do you hear me talking to you???? Because I am. It’s like you’re next to me. I wish you were next to me. There’s a bleeding, gaping hole where my heart once was. Please call me.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21)

Hey, it’s lent. Maybe you should give up trying.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

I like your new earrings that your fiancée got you. They’re pretty. I hope you get really fat.