Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Your going to give me a BJ.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Go buy me cigarettes.

This is dope.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

I just picked up a copy of Brits cosmo to read the horoscopes in there and what the fuuuuck? Yo, that shit is whack. it talks about, fuckin’, I don’t know, jobs and shit. like I know anything about that, know what I’m sayin? check it, that shit is laaaame. females don’t need to find themselves, they need to find me dinner! hahaha.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

OK, OK. For real. Telling a friend how much she means to you gets her through a rough patch. Single? Stud scoping at an outdoor café midmonth helps you meet a new man. Attached? Grab a blanket and a bottle of wine for some stargazing on the 26th. Cosmic tip: Keep a dream journal the first two weeks of May, when intuitive Neptune helps you solve a personal dilemma.

Naaaaaw I’m fuckin with you! I just copied that from brits magazine. Gotcha!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Brit wants to say hi. Ok go ahead baby. HI YALL, THIS IS BRITNEY! I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT KEV IS THE BEST HUSBAND A GIRL COULD ASK FOR. I AM SO HAPPY THAT WE ARE HAVING A BABY TOGETHER. ALSO, SPIRITUALITY IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME, WHICH IS WHY I THINK IT’S SO GREAT THAT KEV IS DOING THIS HOROSCOPE. ISN’T HE THE BEST? OK, BIT BIT IS GNAWING ON HER OWN GENITALS SO I GOTTA RUN! LOVE YALL!!!!!!!!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

That’s my girl. im a lucky dude. she fixed up my Cornrows this week so I am looking fiiiiiiine. all you niggaz born now, you should find yoself a female like briteny.

Cancer (June 22-July 21)

I need a smoke. be right back.

Leo (July 23-August 23)

Ok Im back. man, this is stoopid. Im getting bored. do chicks really read this shit? chicks are fools, fool.

Virgo (August 23-September 23)

This month you are going to win a million dollars in the lottery.

Libra (September 23-October 23)

That last one was totally because Brit came in looking for her doritos and she was looking at what I was writing so I had to make some shit up.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21)

Fuck, only two left. good, I gotta hit the salon.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Ok last one. this month you will watch my new show on UPN! WHAT UP!!!! watch it, bitchez! ok KFed out.