Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Weaving through traffic going 80 miles an hour on I-291 in your baby blue 1995 Toyota Corolla while listening to “Enter Sandman” on Hot 105.3 doesn’t make you a bad-ass. It makes you even more of a loser than everyone already thought you were.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

It’s your birthday sometime this month. That’s fantastic. What are you, 35 years old? And you still get your feelings hurt when no one at work puts a balloon up in your cubicle? That’s sad, man. Just sad.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Single? Don’t overlook the shy guy in your life who might be trying his best to send you love signals. Attached? Yeah, the role-playing was definitely a bad idea. You’re really never going to get that piece of your dignity back. You guys can keep pretending it never happened, but it will slowly eat away at your relationship until there’s nothing left but an empty shell, and then he’ll cheat on you with his “lesbian” friend Pam.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re going to have a sexy dream this week. It’ll either be about that chubby red-headed kid who wore a Bart Simpson shirt every day in 5th grade, or the black dude in the Manny’s Appliances commercial you saw the other day. I’m a little hazy on this one.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Jupiter’s positioning tells me you’re on your way towards a big transition at work. Jupiter also tells me you need to stop humming to yourself and moving your lips when you read because makes you look retarded.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Good one! You fell RIGHT on your ASS in front of those high school girls. HA. Idiot.

Cancer (June 22-July 21)

All I ever tell you ungrateful bastards about is work, money, and sex. Let’s change it up a little. Let’s talk about what’s happening in the music industry right now. I mean, don’t you think it’s a real tragedy, proliferation of digitally-altered vocals and cheap stunts that are orchestrated solely for the purpose of distracting us from the fact that no one can sing anymore? Am I alone in this? I really feel like record labels are doing the American listening public a disservice. What happened to the bands of our parents’ generation? Where did all the cowboys go??? I’m just really bummed out about this. I’ve been listening to my Velvet Underground records nonstop lately. What’s that? Oh, I’m sorry, am I boring you? You just want to know what’s going to happen to your sorry ass this week? Okay, fine. You’re going to get pregnant. Hm? You’re a dude? Okay, you’re going to knock up your girlfriend? Happy? Jesus.

Leo (July 23-August 23)

I don’t know. Whatever. Are you even reading this? I’m going to go fix myself a little drink.

Virgo (August 23-September 23)

Okay, I’m back. Virgo, huh? When’s the last time you got laid? no, i mean REALLY laid? last week when you were dryhumping monica and she fell asleep and then you jerked off and cried doesn’t count. virgo…does that mean VIRGIN in greek??? ha. ok one more drinkie doo

Libra (September 23-October 23)

Ohhhhhhh my god I forgot to tell yu last time that your boss was going to fire you if you looked at anymore porn at work. shit. i totally meant to tell you. sorry man. my bad.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21)

Scropio you’re like a SPIDER. and when anyone gets in yr way LOOKOUT. because no one know when the SPIDER will STRIKE. ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

SagiTIT. you are !!. um yeah i’m done later motherfuckers