Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Happy birthday, buddy!!! Love ya!

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Oh, man. You’re in for a real treat this week. Seriously! It’s right around the corner! I can’t WAIT to see the look on your face!!

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Just close your eyes real tight and imagine how great it will be when everyone who ever thought you were a big loser gets what’s coming to them!!

Aries (March 21-April 19)

That new whitening toothpaste really IS working! Way to go!!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

AAAAHAHAHAHA that was an awesome story you told at lunch today! Did you see Mary Lewis choke on her Snapple when you said the part about the Tyrannosaurus? YES!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Your new, amazing outlook on life is going to pay off in major ways this week! I’m really proud of you.

Cancer (June 22-July 21)

Okay, Champ, let’s show them what you got! It’s all mental! You know you can take on those jerks from Claskey Hardware next Saturday! You KNOW it! Do you KNOW it? Can you OWN that feeling? Your new batting gloves look SO COOL! Yeah! YEAH!! Grand slam, baby!!

Leo (July 23-August 23)

Personne ne vous trouve prétentieux pour prendre ces leçons françaises! Vous aurez le sexe avec les poussins au magasin de crepe sur le coin de la 17ème rue! Très bon, vous cloutez!!.

Virgo (August 23-September 23)

You were wrong about those two girls! They weren’t talking about you! They were talking about some other dude! You’re all good!!

Libra (September 23-October 23)

Do I smell a windfall in the air? Don’t go to bed on the 19th without obsessively combing the financial pages for information! You’ll totally recognize it when you see it! You’ll thank me!!

Scorpio (October 24-November 21)

You’re going to get a MIND-BLOWING hand job this weekend! Score!!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Pick one: look up an old friend you haven’t spoken to in a while and send them a card from American Greetings’ “Thinking of You” series OR consider switching from digital cable to the Dish Network! Whichever one you choose, you WON’T be disappointed! Trust me!!