Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Love is in the air on the 20th! Someone you say hello to every day but don’t really notice is about to make your head turn. And don’t even think about asking me if you can borrow $20. You always do that and you never pay me back. Go get a real job. Also, you could use a shave and some non-organic deodorant.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Keep trucking at work. You have good ideas, so make sure they’re being heard. And watch the racial slurs this week, asshole. No one thinks you’re being facetious. God, wake up!

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Shit, you are so hot. I just want to smack your juicy ass. You like that? Yeah? Ooh, you’re a bad girl, aren’t you?

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Yeah, you got promoted. Big fucking deal. What you don’t know is that the new guy in Accounts Payable knows you’ve been ganking his lunches and he’s been sticking his finger in his ass crack and wiping it on the bread.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You think that goatee makes you look five years older, but really it just makes you look like a douchebag. Also, be on the lookout for dairy past its expiration date this week.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

I hate you. I hate you so much and you don’t even know it.

Cancer (June 22-July 21)

Nobody wants to hear about your dreams. I know you think it’s sooo crazy that you dreamed you had a baby and its face was a pancake and then you ate it, but really, you’re just boring the shit out of everyone.

Leo (July 23-August 23)

Hey. Camel Toe. You’re not a size 6.

Virgo (August 23-September 23)

That was a real awesome dump you took the other day, huh? Remember how you thought you were done and you were washing your hands and then you realized there was another one coming? And sure enough, you took an even bigger crap than the first time around? You wanted to tell someone about it SO bad, right? Didn’t part of you kind of want to take a picture of it? Yeah. You’re a fucking loser.

Libra (September 23-October 23)

Let’s just say that wasn’t ranch dressing.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21)

Reconsider your decision to stop drinking. It’s the only thing that makes you interesting or gets you laid. I know you got an acid stain on your face from sleeping in your own vomit, but you made out with one of those chicks from Secaucus, so stop being such a baby.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

It’s THEY’RE. Not THEIR. THEY’RE. How can you be so retarded? You’re 33.