Thanksgiving Dinner

Celebrity Foodstuffs

What's better than eating Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends? Eating Thanksgiving dinner with celebrities! It's so awesome. But if you're lame and don't know any celebrities, don't worry; the next best thing is eating food endorsed by a licensed copy of a celebrity's personal likeness.

Francis Ford Coppola's Sofia Champagne. When I bought this, the store clerk warned me that it's "dry." It is not dry. It is carbonated urine.
...On the plus side, the extendable straw technology is the most advanced known to mankind.
Dwight Yoakam's Chicken Lickin's Chicken Fries. What could be better than chicken fries endorsed by country singer/actor Dwight Yoakam? Chicken fries that didn't go cold and limp one goddam second after you take them out of the oven: that would be better.
Ernest Hemingway's Bimini Marinade. I don't think that Hemingway's choice for the first ingredient in a marinade would have been high fructose corn syrup. I think it would be bourbon, followed by rum, followed by Hemingway draining the pan of raw chicken and alcohol straight into his gullet.
Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Budweiser. This novelty-size can is exactly the same as regular Budweiser, except for it consistently leads to awkward conversation with the convenience store clerk when you buy more than one at a time.
Mike Ditka's Real Barbecue Sauce. Tastes like every other generic "real" barbecue sauce, except for the spicy knowledge that the man on the label once dressed troubled running back Ricky Williams in a wedding gown and pretended to marry him at a press conference.
Newman's Own Peanut Butter Dog Treats. Better than Newman's Own Alphabet Cookies, at least.
Linda McCartney Butternut Squash Ravioli. This sits in my freezer, untasted. I'd rather eat more Newman's Own peanut butter dog treats.
Mr. Sprinkles Rainbow Sprinkles. Yeah, Mr. Sprinkles isn't really a celebrity. But look at that goddam thing. Last night, I heard the whispery rattle of sprinkles as it tried to get into the knife drawer.
Smokey Robinson's Red Beans and Rice. Hands down, the best microwaveable red beans and rice I've ever eaten.
...The packaging is noteable for the headshot of Smokey, a headshot taken in 1955 in which the milk of human kindness has been digitally removed from Smokey's now-soulless eyes.

Edmund Osterman lives in Cincinnati, Ohio. His weekly comic Cedric & Gerard can be found here.

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