The year was 1988:Our nation's class clowns were amusing the other kids with their spot-on Rain Man impersonations. A scruffy, leather bound closeted homosexual named George Michael was topping the charts, McDonalds was stimulating our palates with a short-lived line of delicious Asian themed food, and our nation was transfixed by the revealing "grape smuggler" swimsuit of a young athlete named Greg Louganis, a diver who, in a pivotal move, firmly smashed his head on the diving board in the 24th Olympiad in Seoul, South Korea.
1988 was also a pivotal year for me as an athlete, for it was during the 1988 Summer Games that I realized I would never be an in the Olympics unless I was in the stands holding a "John 3:16" sign. Not only was I pudgy and uncoordinated, I also had no desire at all to do anything athletic whatsoever. The realization hit me like the ton of gold bars used by a Seoul's city fathers to bribe the IOC selection committee.
remained in a funk for four long years, until the world turned it's collective
eyes to Albertville, France for the 16th Olympic Winter Games. While
watching these games, I realized there was a place on the Winner's Stand
for even the most chubby, sedentary non-athlete. The dream was still
1. Skiing: Think about it. Who skis? Rich people ski. What do rich people do? Rich people do only those few things that can't be delegated to a servant from the developing world. Also, rich people can afford to eat a lot of food, so I'm assuming most of them are fat (I can't be certain, since I don't know any rich people). If fat, lazy Richie Rich can ski, shouldn't YOU be able to ski faster?
2. Hockey: When most people think about hockey, the imagine the big-shot superstars who score all the points. But remember, for every center, there has to be at least one goalie. The goalie's job is to stay put and cover as much of the net as possible. Sounds perfect for an obese layabout such as yourself.
3. Speed Skating: I'll tell you something you probably don't know. Most of the work in speed skating is accomplished by that space-age polymer suit those guys wear. It's advanced design reduces friction to such a degree, all you'll need is a friend to give you a shove at the starting line. And unless I'm making things up, according to the laws of inertia, a lard ass like yourself will naturally travel faster then the beanpoles they usually have skating in these races. This is basic science, people.
NOTE: Some winter events are too dangerous for rank amateurs to compete in on an Olympic level. I'm talking about the louge, the bobsled, and curling. Although it look easy on TV, those athletes have undergone decades of soul crushing training. Trust me: you're going to want to stick with the easy stuff, like the Men's Giant Slalom or speed skating's 50m Sprint.