mailbag

by Chris Messick

Unlike other websites (yeah, I'm looking at you, msnbc.com) Supermasterpiece posts the letters we send out, not the ones we get.  The ones we get are so negative and profanity laced, we figure the internet is better off without that filth.

Instead, why not read a letter I wrote to a kind  of Spanish sausage?

Dear chorizo-

For years, you've been my "go to" sausage, whether enjoying a drink at a tapas bar or looking for an appetizer at a Spanish restaurant. I've enjoyed your spiciness, your robust taste, and your aesthetically pleasing coloration. I feel we've grown close during our time together, and I was looking forward to spending a lot more time with you in the future.

So imagine my surprise, when I picked up a package of you at my local supermarket (that's right, chorizo... I was finally planning on taking you home with me) and discovered you were made from beef salivary glands. Beef salivary glands! There isn't a word in that phrase that doesn't disgust me. Okay, beef isn't so bad. But salivary... and glands! I can't think of anything more disgusting then cow spit, unless of course it's the gland that produces it- the very fount of all cow spit itself.

How can I possibly describe what I'm feeling right now? Easy. Nauseous. Nauseous and disgusted. And betrayed. Very, very betrayed.

Thanks for the now disgusting memories, chorizo. We shan't see each other again, old friend.

Signed,
Chris Messick
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Dear Spain-

First, I want to thank you for the many things you've done for the world, culturally. I'm talking about Goya, Gaudi, Cervantes... Seriously, you guys are a cultural dynamo, and have been for centuries. In fact, you've done so much to enrich western culture, I've always kind of willing to overlook the whole "pillaging of the New World" thing. Until now, that is. For I have discovered your dirty secret.

Beef salivary glands? What kind of pervert decides to make a sausage out of beef salivary glands? That's sick, guys. Very sick. But to force it down the throats of the rest of the world who want nothing more to enjoy some tapas with their happy hour beer?

You disgust me, Spain.

Sincerely,
Chris Messick
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Dear Everybody I Know-

Jesus! Why didn't anybody tell me that chorizo was made from beef salivary glands? I'm really, really upset about this.

Your friend,
Chris Messick
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Dear beef industry-

Can you do me a huge favor? I need you to genetically engineer cows that have some kind of organ or muscle that tastes exactly like it's salivary glands, but has nothing to do with the production and/or distribution of cow saliva.

See, I've just found out what chorizo is made of. I've included some notes on cow DNA to get you started. Feel free to contact me with any questions.

Your pal,
Chris Messick
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Dear Frieda's Vegetarian Products-

Something to think about... your Soyrizo Meatless Chorizo product is pretty much just a tube of soy specifically designed to taste exactly like beef salivary glands. I'm sure even you will agree that that’s a little bit weird.

Regards,
Chris Messick
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Dear Spanish Restaurants-

Don't you have anything to serve that tastes exactly like chorizo, but isn't made from beef salivary glands? Think, damnit!!

Best wishes,
Chris Messick
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Chorizo-

I can't stay mad at you, old friend. You're so delicious I don't care what you're made of.

Let's never fight again. See you tomorrow at the tapas bar.

Love,
Chris

Chris Messick is a co-founder of Supermasterpiece.com.  Check out more of his writing here.