other websites (yeah, I'm looking at you, msnbc.com) Supermasterpiece
posts the letters we send out, not the ones we get. The ones we
get are so negative and profanity laced, we figure the internet is better
off without that filth.
Instead, why not read a letter I wrote to a kind of Spanish sausage?
For years, you've been my "go to" sausage, whether enjoying
a drink at a tapas bar or looking for an appetizer at a Spanish restaurant.
I've enjoyed your spiciness, your robust taste, and your aesthetically
pleasing coloration. I feel we've grown close during our time together,
and I was looking forward to spending a lot more time with you in the
So imagine my surprise, when I picked up a package of you at my local
supermarket (that's right, chorizo... I was finally planning on taking
you home with me) and discovered you were made from beef salivary glands.
Beef salivary glands! There isn't a word in that phrase that doesn't disgust
me. Okay, beef isn't so bad. But salivary... and glands! I can't think
of anything more disgusting then cow spit, unless of course it's the gland
that produces it- the very fount of all cow spit itself.
How can I possibly describe what I'm feeling right now? Easy. Nauseous.
Nauseous and disgusted. And betrayed. Very, very betrayed.
Thanks for the now disgusting memories, chorizo. We shan't see each other
again, old friend.
First, I want to thank you for the many things you've done for the world,
culturally. I'm talking about Goya, Gaudi, Cervantes... Seriously, you
guys are a cultural dynamo, and have been for centuries. In fact, you've
done so much to enrich western culture, I've always kind of willing to
overlook the whole "pillaging of the New World" thing. Until
now, that is. For I have discovered your dirty secret.
Beef salivary glands? What kind of pervert decides to make a sausage out
of beef salivary glands? That's sick, guys. Very sick. But to force it
down the throats of the rest of the world who want nothing more to enjoy
some tapas with their happy hour beer?
You disgust me, Spain.
Dear Everybody I Know-
Jesus! Why didn't anybody tell me that chorizo was made from beef salivary
glands? I'm really, really upset about this.
Dear beef industry-
Can you do me a huge favor? I need you to genetically engineer cows that
have some kind of organ or muscle that tastes exactly like it's salivary
glands, but has nothing to do with the production and/or distribution
of cow saliva.
See, I've just found out what chorizo is made of. I've included some notes
on cow DNA to get you started. Feel free to contact me with any questions.
Dear Frieda's Vegetarian Products-
Something to think about... your Soyrizo Meatless Chorizo product is pretty
much just a tube of soy specifically designed to taste exactly like beef
salivary glands. I'm sure even you will agree that that’s a little
Dear Spanish Restaurants-
Don't you have anything to serve that tastes exactly like chorizo, but
isn't made from beef salivary glands? Think, damnit!!
I can't stay mad at you, old friend. You're so delicious I don't care
what you're made of.
Let's never fight again. See you tomorrow at the tapas bar.
Chris Messick is a co-founder
of Supermasterpiece.com. Check out more of his writing here.