mailbag

The art of letter writing is slowly dying, thanks in part to such modern conveniences as e-mail, fax, and shouting obscenities at one another.  I think that's a shame, so I've decided to write a bunch of letters, thus single handedly preserving the above mentioned art.  However, I am cheap and lazy, so instead of actually writing, stamping, and dropping a bunch of letters into the mailbox, I've decided to just post them on the internet, and hope the recipient eventually finds them.  Here goes!

Dear Owner of Slim's Restaurant in Cincinnati OH-

I know you're doing your best to be all trendy and all, but serving coffee in a handle-less coffee cup is really annoying.  See, the handle makes it so you don't burn your hand when you drink the coffee.  Why not be trendy and different by taking the door knobs off of your front door?  That way, no one will ever have to eat at your shitty restaurant again.  Your restaurant sucks!

Sincerely,
Chris

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Dear Outback Steak House-

I know you can't possibly serve anything that doesn't have a cliche Australian themed name, but you should definitely rename your "Chocolate Thunder from Down Under" desert.  I think I experienced that a few mornings ago, and it didn't make me want to eat a steak.  Love the Bloomin' Onion, by the way.

Kind wishes,
Chris

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Dear Owner of Slim's Restaurant-

Here's another tip: putting pepper on fruit salad is obnoxious.  It's just another example of the stupid things you do to be different that make your restaurant such an unbearable eyesore on this city's culinary landscape.  Pepper on pineapple tastes exactly like pepper, and also pineapple.  Despite what your chef tells you, there is no stark contrast and subtle dialogue between the spicy pepper and the sweet tropical fruit.  It just tastes like shit.  Also, what's up with only serving a virgin pina colada?  Sunday brunch drinks are all about imbibing of the hair of the dog that bit you, and I sure as hell didn't get bitten by any virgins on Saturday night.

Best regards,
Chris

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Dear Pete Rock-

Listen, I know you're a really in-demand producer these days, but would it kill you to throw a bone to your old partner C. L. Smooth?  Let him do a guest verse on somebody's album sometime or something.  C'mon, man!  "Mecca and the Soul Brother" was.. nay, IS a great album!  Don't throw that chemistry away over some stupid beef that should have been worked out years ago!  I'm begging you!

Your pal,
Chris

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Dear Slim-

Hey there.  Me again.  I forgot to mention something. I forgot to mention that a bowl of rice and beans, fried plantains, and a tiny corn meal tamale is NOT a Puerto Rican Style Sunday Brunch.  It's refugee food.  You've got some cojones charging $12.50 for a plate of refugee food and a VIRGIN pina colada.  Also, even though you claim your "family style" restaurant food is "all you can eat", how come the waitress never came by to refill my coffee?  One measly cup of coffee during a Sunday Brunch?  Please go to hell.

Your buddy,
Chris

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Dear Paul Kennedy, PhD-

In your book "The Rise and Fall of Great Powers", you describe Sweden's defeat in its 1611-1613 war with Denmark as "severe." This is disingenuous.  Given Sweden's poor economic situation during the decades leading up to the war, loss was inevitable.  Yet Sweden still managed to secure several key concessions in the peace that followed, which shows Denmark viewed Sweden as a viable threat.  Why don't you take your stupid book and your stupid PhD and go and fuck yourself?


With warmest regards,

Chris

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Dear Gladys-

If it's my kid, how come he doesn't like pork chops?  Or the Kinks?  I don't care what your stupid "scientific" paternity test says.

Wishing you the best,
Chris

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Slim-

What are you still doing here?  I thought I told you to go to hell.  Oh, and why don't you take your annoyingly tiny little dishes of hot sauce with you?  Hot sauce is to be dumped liberally over Sunday brunch, not drizzled daintily from a cutesy little yellow dish.  You've got some nerve, prick.

Chris

Well, that's all for now.  Consider the art of letter writing preserved for one more week.

Chris Messick is a co-founder of Supermasterpiece.com.  Check out more of his writing here.