Oh, you want some, chump? Didn't think so.
See, you probably realized you'd never top my score the second you saw my name. Yeah, I'm the same Chris Messick who won two consecutive games of Windows XP Solitaire a year ago. You probably saw my post and screenshots on the Windows XP Built-In Games forum over on the Microsoft Support site.
So, what's the big deal about that? Well, as I'm sure you know, not every hand of solitaire is winnable, and only those that are played almost perfectly end up "going all the way". So, what are the odds of someone getting dealt two winnable hands in a row, then playing both well enough to actually win? We better let science catch up a little bit before we ask it that question.
So anyway, yeah... I'm that Chris Messick. And let me tell you, until today, winning that second game was the proudest moment of my life. But today, all that changed, for today I achieved true greatness. Today, I proved my consecutive games weren't just a fluke. Today, I set a new standard for excellence in Windows XP solitaire.
Today, I scored 4139.
Yes, you read those numbers correctly: Four thousand, one hundred, thirty-nine. Four-one-three-niner. If it makes you feel better, rub your eyes and look again. What you see is still going to blow your mind.
Ladies and gentlemen, I was incredible today. I was focused. I saw the moves the instant I flipped the cards. It was almost as if, and when I say this I don't mean to degrade or lessen the magnitude of my incredible performance, but it was almost as if my hand was being guided by an outside force. Of course, in reality there was no "outside force". Just my incredible, finely tuned abilities and razor sharp reflexes.
If you work hard and play a lot, you can
reach a point where you don't really have to think about where to put
the cards. You just kind of know. Me, I'm working a little
bit beyond that. I'm thinking on a level of pure athleticism.
How can I move the mouse more efficiently? How can I conserve energy
in my clicking motion? Plain and simple, how can I get that card
where it belongs as quickly as possible? Time counts. Time
is the enemy. Every second that goes by takes a few more points
out of my family's mouth. Personally, I can't accept that, and that's
the difference between me and you. That's why you'll never see a
score as high as mine.
Some of my peers in the Sweet Zone choose to work at their jobs. I choose to strive for excellence, and today I achieved it. Four thousand, one hundred, thirty-nine points worth of pure excellence.
I suppose it's customary at this point to send out a few thank yous. I have two: Almighty God, for blessing me with a superhuman ability to play Windows XP solitaire, and me, for honing it to an unbelievable degree.
Yep, just God and me. Those are all the thank yous I need to give out. The way I see it, everyone else is either a competitor, or a potential distraction.
If you're a distraction, I don't have time for you, and that goes double for the ladies. I need my sexual energy to perform at my best, and I don't want you draining it, thank you very much.
If you're a competitor, it's time you realized a few things: You will never truly "see" the cards like I do. You will never really "understand" the cards like I do. And most of all, you will never, never, beat my score at Windows XP Solitaire.