Dear Consumer-

It's Spring Cleaning Week here at Supermasterpiece, so I've decided to devote this week's column to airing a few grievances that have been bugging me for a while. I get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of running a major media conglomerate, sometimes I just don't have time to complain as much as befits a man of my advanced years, so I'm glad to have this opportunity to do a little mental spring cleaning, if you will.

Beleive me, I've had a a lot of important stuff bothering me lately! To wit:

* Antacid Commercials- What is with these things? Some gravelly voiced guy is walking around a pure white room, passing by giant boxes of antacid, and talking about heartburn in an earnest way... Where is that white room? Is this guy some kind of doctor? If not, why should we trust what he has to say about antacid? Are we supposed to believe him just because of his gravelly voice? I don't get it.

* Car Commercials- Seems like half of the car commercials on television revolve around really weak jokes based on cliched ideas, like the joke about how men never ask for directions. The other half are about cars riding down twisty roads. Where are these roads, and where are the cars going to? That's something I'd like to know. Also, why do car commercial announcers have such whiny voices? Once again, I don't get it.

* Governmental Meddling with the Free Market in Russia- Despite President Putin's recent commitment to fostering a free market in Russia, his regime continues to strong-arm Russian business leaders who he fears may come close to rivaling his power. These and other methods to curb democracy and the free market have yielded stability in the short term, but if events in Georgia a few years ago are any indication, this stability may not endure. Hey, what gives, Vladimir? I just don't get it.

* iPod Commercials- Those silhouettes... they're weird. Are these guys so damn hip they absorb the entire spectrum of visible light? And that music! Why does it have so much shouting in it? Plus, I hate when they say "ear buds". That's disgusting, and furthermore I don't get it.

Well, I have to say I feel much better after getting all that off my chest.. Please enjoy the rest of Spring Cleaning week here at Supermasterpiece.

Chris Messick
Chief Executive Officer
Supermasterpiece Industries

Read more Messick Reports HERE.