Dear Revenue Source-

I’ll tell you what, reader... something about being on the brink of despair and failure has caused me to take stock, to look around, and to reevaluate everything that I used to know. I find myself questioning everything that used to seem so clear to me. All my old assumptions have melted away, only to be replaced with doubt, uncertainty, and questions... so many questions.

For instance, I have realized that a lot of commercials on televisions are just plain dumb! I just saw a commercial for one of those over-the-counter heartburn drugs. This one was all about this woman, who was dressed in pure white from head to toe, and sitting in this all white room with white furniture. She was talking right to the camera, in this no-nonsense, down-to-earth manner, about how when she has heartburn she wants something that’s going to act fast.

I guess my first question for this lady would be “Hey, why are you dressed all in white, and sitting in an all-white room?” That’s weird! It’s like if at the end of “2001: A Space Odyssey” Dave was to go through that freak out part with the giant fetus, only to find a gravelly voiced man in white in a white room telling him to see his doctor of his heartburn symptoms persisted.

I couldn’t quite understand this lady’s attitude, either. She talked to me about heartburn in the way that I might talk to a friend who was suffering from some sort of embarrassing and uncontrollable weakness, as if my tendency to under-medicate my recurring heartburn symptoms were a sign that I was letting my stomach acids take advantage of me, but if I got tough right now, I might be able to salvage to few remaining shards of dignity that I had. Friends, she was serious about heartburn medication.

The last annoying things about this commercial, was the way this pale clad lady did this little double-take at the end, and said something like “Oh, and one more thing... did you know that Blah Blah Blah heartburn medicine is the one most recommended by doctors?” What, am I supposed to think that the writer, director, and drug company all forgot to write this piece of information into the script, but luckily the actress in the commercial remembered to mention it at the last minute? C’mon, guys!

What’s with the American College of Gastroenterology, anyway? Wouldn’t you love to see a racy frat movie about a bunch of wild partying undergrads at the AC of G? I know I would!

See what I mean, reader? Every answer spawns an endless array of questions. Where will this strange journey take me? Will I ever be able to watch television commercials again?

Next week, I’m going to be taking a frank look at the “Revised United States Tax Code Fiscal Year 2003/04 for Corporations with One or More Divisions, Entities, or Holdings Operating Under the Jurisdiction of a Foreign Nation or in an Internationally Regulated Territory.” I can’t believe I used to swallow some of that shit!

Sincerely,

Chris Messick
Chief Executive Officer
Supermasterpiece Industries