 Dear
Purchaser-
Well, I have to admit I’m a little bit embarrassed.
A few weeks ago, in this report I wrote about my
recent trip to Africa, and my dealings with an unorthodox Zimbabwean
businessman named Morrison Achemba. As you may recall, at the time I was
a little bit concerned, especially since I’d given him a check for
several million dollars, at which point he promptly disappeared without
a trace, leaving me penniless and confused, and the legal guardian of
two of his younger children, the wisecracking street-smart Arnauld and
Willets.
The reason I’m embarrassed is because I publicly doubted my God-given
knack for smelling a lucrative deal, which was obviously a big mistake.
As you may have predicted, a few days ago, I received a phone call from
Mr. Achemba, who had just landed in New York after bribing his way out
of a Zimbabwean maximum security income tax audit and assessment facility.
He appeared at my office a half hour later, handed me a check for $62
million dollars, thanked me for my time and investment and disappeared
as mysteriously as he had arrived.
I still have my two young wards with me, but I could not be happier about
that. It seems they’re quite the young financial prodigies. In fact,
during the week between Achemba’s disappearance and re-appearance,
they did an excellent job of keeping themselves fed (and me drunk) with
this little illicit enterprise or that, from simple extortion to complex
real estate schemes. Speaking as a man who has one kid who is a lead tenor
at the Met, and another who spends all day writing award winning novels,
I have to say I’m a little disappointed in how my own children turned
out. It will be nice to have two little rascals underfoot, whom I can
mold in my own image.
With my either drunk or absent (or both) all last week, I see things around
Supermasterpiece have gotten a little, well, shitty. Rest assured this
is over. In fact, to celebrate my return, I hereby declare this week to
be an awesome week at Supermasterpiece. Everything you see on the site
will be more intelligent, more relevant, funnier, and much, much, much
more awesome than you’re used to... in some cases up to 17%!
So, without any further ado, please allow me to present... Awesome Week!
Enjoy.
Sincerely,
Chris Messick
Chief Executive Officer
Supermasterpiece Industries
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