Dear End-User-

Disaster, friends! Chris Messick, the master of the deal, the steely eye, and the aloof handshake, has been swindled by a wily confidence man!

It all started a few weeks ago, when I got an e-mail from a minor bureaucrat in the government of Zimbabwe. He claimed to have knowledge of a large sum of money (in the neighborhood of $120 Million US dollars) and needed only three million dollars to pay a “withdraw tax” to the government, and the money would be his. If I fronted the tax money, he would split the proceeds with me 50/50. I know, I know... it sounds like such a great, surefire deal!

I causally mentioned the e-mail to one of our tech guys (despite the e-mail’s warning about strict confidentiality), and he laughed in my face. He said it was a common scam, and showed me a similar e-mail he’d received recently, this one from an heir in Zaire. That one was an obvious fake, since as everyone knows there are no provisions for a “withdraw tax” written into the Zaire Tax Code. I figured all his talk was just sour grapes, because there was no way he was going to be coming up with $3 million dollars anytime soon.

I figured my e-mail was different. See, I’m the type that knows how to spot an opportunity, and I’ll do what it takes to capitalize on it. I’m just a little bit sharper than your average Joe Six Pack.
This couldn’t have happened at a worse time. I’d been making some dodgy investments lately, so I was a little strapped. However, I did some scrambling, cashed in almost every asset I had, and gathered just enough to swing a plane ticket and a cashier’s check for $3 million. I was on the first plane out the next morning.

I was greeted at the airport by Mr. Morrison Achemba (the man who had written me the e-mail) and his two young sons, Arnauld and Willets. Achemba wanted to get right down to business, asked for the check, and promised to return to the airport in an hour with a few suitcases full of money for me. All I had to do was watch the kids.

Two days later, I realized he wasn’t going to be coming back. Even worse, I discovered that somehow this Mr. Achemba had made me the legal guardian of his two children! Disaster!

I sold my last Rolex to a dealer in Lagos, and managed to finagle just enough to buy Arnauld, Willets, and I plane tickets back to New York. I’m not sure what we’re going to do when we get there. I don’t think my wife will be very happy, especially when I tell her that we’re penniless. My pay from Supermasterpiece is set at a tax friendly $1 per annum, while most of my compensation is rendered in the form of stock options... which I was forced to cash in to come up with the $3 million. I suppose we’ll have to (and I shudder when I say this) RENT and apartment somewhere. In addition, we won’t be able to eat every single day, and we may even have to let some of the servants go. It’s going to be hard,

On the other hand, I have to admit that Arnauld and Willets, my new wisecracking, streetwise young charges, have an infectious zest for life. Why, I can almost feeling them breaking through my crusty exterior and warming my dried old heart. Actually, I think it’s probably something I picked up from drinking tap water in that terrible, terrible hotel room.

Time will tell. Yes, time will tell.

Sincerely,

Chris Messick
Chief Executive Officer
Supermasterpiece Industries