Dear Purchaser:

There’s a special feeling in the air this time of year. It’s the feeling that you’ve spent too much time with your family and loved ones. I have a large family, and they all come to my place to spend the holidays together. It’s really almost unbearable.

This year it got so bad, we all decided to go to the movies.

I don’t usually go to the movies. I don’t really enjoy the car chases and the cursing and the skin, and it seems like that’s the only kind of movie they’re making these days. Imagine my surprise and delight when I saw there was a good old-fashioned swords and sandals picture playing at the old Cineplex... namely, Alexander.

You should know that I’ve always felt a strange connection with Alexander the Great. I feel we share a common destiny of sorts. After all, he swept through the entire known world, leaving destruction and blood everywhere he went, until he had conquered everything. My career followed a similar path, except instead of the known world, in my case it was the world of online humor websites.

Anyway, let me tell you something about Oliver Stone... the man is crazy! Do you know in his Alexander movie, he actually portrayed Alexander the Great as bisexual? Sorry, Oliver... Alexander was a big tough guy from the Ancient Greek world. I don’t think he would have lasted long back then if he were gay. I’m sure glad Oliver Stone didn’t direct Troy. What a disaster that would have been!

Other than that, the movie was pretty good. I think. I can’t say for sure because at some point I fell asleep. Still, how bad could it have been? Am I right?

And hey, Hollywood... enough with the cursing! Also, the skin!

And while you’re at it, you might want to take a look at the pricing on your popcorn. I think your getting a little greedy with your margins. I mean, if you charge too much money for something, people just won’t buy it. That’s the first thing they teach you in business school. That’s the kind of revenue management that’s gotten me to where I am today.

Anyway, we all went to the movies, had a great time not talking to each other for a few hours, then headed back to my lavish apartment on the Upper East Side. Once there, we proceeded to have a terrible time not knowing what to say to each other for a few hours, then we went to bed.

So, Alexander was probably a good movie. I assume. If you need to spend a few hours away from all those crying kids, I think there’s a good chance you may be able to do worse than Alexander.

Oh, and Hollywood... enough with the car chases!

Sincerely,

Chris Messick
Chief Executive Officer
Supermasterpiece Industries