Before I say anything else, I want you to know that I am okay. I don’t
want to cause you any undue concern for my welfare when you read the following
harrowing tale. Aside from the psychological scars, which will no doubt
be with me until my dying day, I’m unhurt.
I am shaken, however. This week I have had a most terrifying experience.
It’s the kind of thing you always figure will happen to someone
else, little realizing that Fate is an uncomely bitch, who punishes the
just along with the wicked.
My friends, this week I was forced to... I can barely bring my self to
type the words... ride the subway.
I blame my driver. He had some sort of “situation” with his
immigration papers, which I realize is no concern of mine, and has nothing
to do with his position as my driver. I expect my employees to show up
on time, everyday. Still, he’s a good driver, and I would have trouble
filling his position adequately if he were forced to leave the country.
In a rare act of generosity, I agreed to let him go downtown to the immigration
office, provided he was back in time to drive me to a very important meeting
I had later on that day.
Imagine my fury when I received a call some hours later from an INS agent,
who told me that my driver was being taken into custody for overstaying
his visa! I explained to the agent that I was just 30 minutes away from
one of the most crucial meetings of the fiscal year, and it was important
that my driver return to my building immediately or else I would miss
my appointment. The bastard hung up on me!
Time was running out. I ran outside to try to hail a cab, only to find
myself in the midst of a torrential downpour. I ran down the street waving
my arm frantically and whistling, but I couldn’t find a single cab.
Before I even knew what I was doing, I found myself at a subway entrance.
Not knowing what else to do, I descended.
I was immediately struck by the pungent smell of urine and body odor.
I fumbled my way to the nearest ticket booth and purchased a one-way fare.
Pale and shaking, I pushed through the turnstile, and onto the platform.
Reader, it was horrible. The smell, the noise, the trash... I was so shaken,
it wasn’t until then that I realized I was still holding my wallet.
I hadn’t put it away after purchasing my ticket. In my haste to
shove it in my overcoat before a pickpocket could strike, I accidentally
dropped it onto the tracks! I offered the young urchin standing next to
me a quarter to fetch it for me, because I could see a train coming and
I didn’t want to injure myself getting my wallet back. The little
brat flipped me a rude gesture, and called me an “old motherfucker”!
Before I even had time to box the little shit’s ears, the train
pulled into the station, destroying my wallet in the process. Feeling
at my lowest, I let the teeming, smelly masses lined up behind me push
me through the door and onto the train.
I can’t begin to describe to you how horrible the experience was.
My head was inches away from a construction worker’s sweaty armpit.
A very fat lady was constantly stepping on my feet. All I could hear was
an inane conversation two women were having behind me about shoes. Shoes!
Luckily, I live only one stop from the Supermasterpiece building. As soon
as the door opened, I ran out, gasping for air. I staggered through the
station in a near faint, and made my way back onto the street. The rain
had stopped, and the sun was shining. I entered my beloved Supermasterpiece
building, took the elevator to my penthouse office, and collapsed in my
Well, I’ve always felt that no one ever made a dollar from crying,
so I quickly pulled myself together. I went to my meeting, secured the
deal, took a cab back to my apartment, and started trying to put the pieces
of my life back together.
It won’t be easy friends. I’ve seen things that I won’t
soon get out of my head, and smelled odors that will haunt my dreams for
years to come. Still, I’m confident that one day, the whole thing
will seem like a terrible, terrible nightmare.
If anyone knows of a good driver with a valid green card, please contact
Chief Executive Officer