Dear End User-

Before I say anything else, I want you to know that I am okay. I don’t want to cause you any undue concern for my welfare when you read the following harrowing tale. Aside from the psychological scars, which will no doubt be with me until my dying day, I’m unhurt.

I am shaken, however. This week I have had a most terrifying experience. It’s the kind of thing you always figure will happen to someone else, little realizing that Fate is an uncomely bitch, who punishes the just along with the wicked.

My friends, this week I was forced to... I can barely bring my self to type the words... ride the subway.

I blame my driver. He had some sort of “situation” with his immigration papers, which I realize is no concern of mine, and has nothing to do with his position as my driver. I expect my employees to show up on time, everyday. Still, he’s a good driver, and I would have trouble filling his position adequately if he were forced to leave the country. In a rare act of generosity, I agreed to let him go downtown to the immigration office, provided he was back in time to drive me to a very important meeting I had later on that day.

Imagine my fury when I received a call some hours later from an INS agent, who told me that my driver was being taken into custody for overstaying his visa! I explained to the agent that I was just 30 minutes away from one of the most crucial meetings of the fiscal year, and it was important that my driver return to my building immediately or else I would miss my appointment. The bastard hung up on me!

Time was running out. I ran outside to try to hail a cab, only to find myself in the midst of a torrential downpour. I ran down the street waving my arm frantically and whistling, but I couldn’t find a single cab. Before I even knew what I was doing, I found myself at a subway entrance. Not knowing what else to do, I descended.

I was immediately struck by the pungent smell of urine and body odor. I fumbled my way to the nearest ticket booth and purchased a one-way fare. Pale and shaking, I pushed through the turnstile, and onto the platform.

Reader, it was horrible. The smell, the noise, the trash... I was so shaken, it wasn’t until then that I realized I was still holding my wallet. I hadn’t put it away after purchasing my ticket. In my haste to shove it in my overcoat before a pickpocket could strike, I accidentally dropped it onto the tracks! I offered the young urchin standing next to me a quarter to fetch it for me, because I could see a train coming and I didn’t want to injure myself getting my wallet back. The little brat flipped me a rude gesture, and called me an “old motherfucker”!

Before I even had time to box the little shit’s ears, the train pulled into the station, destroying my wallet in the process. Feeling at my lowest, I let the teeming, smelly masses lined up behind me push me through the door and onto the train.

I can’t begin to describe to you how horrible the experience was. My head was inches away from a construction worker’s sweaty armpit. A very fat lady was constantly stepping on my feet. All I could hear was an inane conversation two women were having behind me about shoes. Shoes!

Luckily, I live only one stop from the Supermasterpiece building. As soon as the door opened, I ran out, gasping for air. I staggered through the station in a near faint, and made my way back onto the street. The rain had stopped, and the sun was shining. I entered my beloved Supermasterpiece building, took the elevator to my penthouse office, and collapsed in my chair, weeping.

Well, I’ve always felt that no one ever made a dollar from crying, so I quickly pulled myself together. I went to my meeting, secured the deal, took a cab back to my apartment, and started trying to put the pieces of my life back together.

It won’t be easy friends. I’ve seen things that I won’t soon get out of my head, and smelled odors that will haunt my dreams for years to come. Still, I’m confident that one day, the whole thing will seem like a terrible, terrible nightmare.

If anyone knows of a good driver with a valid green card, please contact my office.


Chris Messick
Chief Executive Officer
Supermasterpiece Industries