Dear Consumer:

Well, we’ve loaded our site with lame turkey jokes, added some hackneyed Pilgrim humor, and shat out a few vaguely Thanksgiving themed songs. We also have one of those “horn ‘o plenty” things on our main page. I guess the only Thanksgiving cliché left for us to exploit is the maudlin list of things we’re thankful for.

As the Chief Executive Officer of a major international media conglomerate, I’m not about to treat you to the various market trends, demographic data, and insider information I’m thankful for, as much as you and the SEC would like to hear it. So, I’ve decided to ask some of the people close to me to contribute the list of things they’ll be reflecting on this Thanksgiving.

First off, here’s what my 6-year-old granddaughter Kimmy had to say. I’ve left her childish mispronunciations intact, which I’m sure will solicit a chorus of predictable “awwwws” from our sappy “raised by MTV” readership:

“This Fanksgiving, I’m gwateful for the wevenue stweems my grandpa needs to generwate to keep daddy on the paywoll.”

Wasn’t that just the cutest thing? I’m grateful for the revenue streams too, little Kimmy.

My recently divorced nephew Rick’s contribution is much less cute, although just as nauseating:

“This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful that Uncle Chris decided not to fire me after I wrote his column last week. I’m also glad that I finally have the free time and emotional space to pursue the many interests and new experiences I’ve always wanted to indulge, but which my ex-wife SELFISHLY conspired to keep me from. Like rock climbing, or skydiving, or maybe sleeping with an Asian chick. Or any other chick, for that matter. God, I’m so lonely.”

I’m sure you’ll agree that that was truly disgusting. Remind me to tell you about the stupid, shortsighted, “I’ll always look after your only son” pledge I made to my brother on his death bed. Bad move on my part.

From there, I’d like to turn things over to my wife, Constance. She had to dictate her contribution to her personal assistant, as she still hasn’t figured out how to work the computer.

“Are you typing everything I say? No “buts”! I don’t want to hear it! It’s quite simple- just type every word I say, EXACTLY how I say it then send it to my husband. Yes, EVERY word I say, EXACTLY how I say it! Why is that so hard for you to comprehend? YES! EVERY WORD! Stop babbling, please, and just type. Now… Why isn’t any paper coming out, if you’re typing? What? But how do you know what you’re typing? This is ridiculous. I don’t have time for these shenanigans. Tell my husband to have that tramp Carly Fiorina tell him what she’s thankful for… I guarantee she’ll say it’s the restraining order. Stop that racket this instant and make me a drink.”

Isn’t she charming?

Finally, even though I said I wouldn’t do it, I’ve decided to let you know what I’m thankful for, without getting into too many specifics. Here goes:

I’m thankful that I live in a country where there can exist a small, struggling little comedy operation, the kind of organization where talent and spirit are the guiding force, rather than earning money. I’m thankful that I have the knowledge and business acumen to look at these young upstarts and see a group of bright, eager, and genuinely funny individuals, where another person might see a drunken mob of no-talent losers. Finally, I’m thankful that I can, just a few short months after stumbling onto such a rare gem, either totally crush it into oblivion or absorb it into the colossal monolith that is Supermasterpiece Industries.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Sincerely,

Chris Messick
Chief Executive Officer
Supermasterpiece Industries