Yo, Reader-

Right now, you’re probably wondering why the Messick Report started out in such an unorthodox fashion. That’s because this week it’s not being written by Old Man Messick. This week it’s his nephew, Rick, coming at you. When I'm not getting totally freaky with the ladies, I'm usually fulfilling my duties as VP for Sales and Marketing for the Southeast Asian division of Supermasterpiece Industries. The Old Man is off at some health spa somewhere getting his blood replaced, or something like that. He’s like a million years old, you know.

Anyways, when Uncle Chris asked me to do this thing for him, I had to make him understand the way it was going to be. I marched right into his office and said my piece. “This is my show, Uncle,” I said. “I’m going to write this column MY way. If you come at me with your corporate ‘policies’ I will have no choice but to tell you to STEP THE FRIG OFF.” Yes, I said “frig” right to his face. I was all “I’m going to do it the only way I know how, and if you don’t like it, you can GET THE HECK OUTTA MY GRILL”.

I know those are strong words (and thanks for giving me a second chance, Uncle Chris), but I felt that the last thing I needed was some darn “suit” trying to get all up into my cypher. See, Uncle Chris is a savvy businessman, and he knows how to turn a profit. But he doesn’t understand young people the way I do.

See, I like to rock n’ roll all night, and party ev-e-ry day of the weekend. Not Old Man Messick. He doesn’t know from Fleetwood Mac. He doesn’t know from Frampton Comes Alive. He doesn’t know from The Cheap Tricks. He wasn’t in the Hospitality Suite with the Stones (yes, I’m talking about the ROLLING Stones) Management Team after the fellas rocked the Garden on the Steel Wheels Tour. I think my ears are still ringing a little... and it wasn’t just from hearing about the tickets and concessions net!

So anyway, I figure the Old Man is getting up there, so these little unplanned absences are probably going to pop up more and more often. I’m glad, because it will give me a chance to rap with you, my peeps from my favorite demographic... the coveted 18-35.

Oh, and good news ladies: I’m recently divorced, and ready to start picking up the pieces! If you’d like to lend a hand, I’m down for whatever. Feel me?

Peace out,

Rick Messick
VP of Sales & Marketing
Southeast Asian Division
Supermasterpiece Industries

Rick Messick was recently divorced by his wife of 17 years, who left him for a 26 year old. He is the Vice President of the Southeast Asian Sales & Marketing Division of Supermasterpiece Industries. Although he strongly believes that men should never, ever cry, he still finds himself weeping at the most inappropriate moments.