 Dear
Reader:
Every once in a while,
someone will stop me on the street and say to me “Mr. Messick, it
seems like I’ve been enjoying Supermasterpiece’s humorous
products and services for my entire life, but surely your fantastic company
hasn’t been in existence forever! Why not tell me about Supermasterpiece’s
rich corporate history?”
Although I usually pretend I don’t hear these people, and have one
of my entourage shoo them along brusquely, I do feel kind of guilty about
that. I mean, Supermasterpiece Industries DOES have a rich history. Maybe
if more people knew the Supermasterpiece story, more people would aspire
to greatness, instead of just aspiring to beat the next level on the latest
Atari game, or whatever it is you people aspire to these days.
Supermasterpiece Industries was founded in 1826 by three wealthy industrialists:
James Munson Superton, Alistair T. Masterfield, and R. Franklin “Piece”
Johnson. Originally, the company specialized in producing a screw used
by companies who built machines designed to create a specialized nail
used by wheelwrights and coopers. By the mid-eighteen hundreds, Supermasterpiece
had expanded, and now also manufactured a specially designed auger forged
to produce screws used by companies who built machines designed to create
a specialized nail used by wheelwrights and coopers.
Supermastepiece was a simple multimillion-dollar manufacturing operation
for decades. Then, in the reconstruction years that immediately followed
the American Civil War, company president Richard S. Masters-Piece decided
that what the South needed, more than food, clothing, or shelter (and
especially more than augers forged to produce screws used by companies
who built machines designed to create a specialized nail used by wheelwrights
and coopers), was a good laugh. What better way to convince someone to
forget his or her troubles than to offer him or her an old-fashioned “belly
laugh?” Of course this is patently ridiculous, but try telling that
to a multi-millionaire industrialist half-wit, produced by generations
of in-breeding between members of the Superton, Masterfield, and Johnson
families!
From that moment on, Supermasterpiece pitted itself against the giants
in the burgeoning comedy industry, including such household names as Jos.
Grimm & Sons Amusing Reminiscences Inc. and the Van Schilling Humorous
Quip Concern. By the turn of the century, Supermasterpiece Industries
found itself at the top of the comedy heap, mass producing a vast array
of well known and high quality jokes, such as “Sir, I do believe
that my horse is in your outhouse” and “I say, Roger... what
is that curious BULGE in your breeches?”
By 1929, Supermasterpiece seemed unstoppable, causing then CEO Superfield
M. Pieceington III to observe, while surveying the bustling New York City
skyline from his penthouse office atop the mighty Supermasterpiece Building
in mid-town Manhattan, “Truly this era of decadence and hubris will
continue unabated forever, and we need not fear the prospect of facing
our comeuppance!” Truer words had never been spoken... until two
days later, when the stock market crashed, and crashed but good.
For the next several decades, Supermasterpiece Industries drifted aimlessly
from one comedic fad to the next. In the 1930’s, it was the “Supermasterpiece
Radio Funnies Variety Hour”. In the 40’s it was the series
of “Supermaster Toons” cartoons, featuring the zany antics
of Piecely the Nuclear Photon. By the 50’s, the humor began to stagnate,
resulting in the “Supermasterpiece Radio Funnies Television Variety
Hour”. The 60’s and 70’s were dark, dark periods in
the company’s history, producing such duds as the “Supermasterpiece
Laffin’ Luvin’ Teach-In Flower Power Hour” television
program and the infamous dribble coke spoon, respectively.
During the 80’s, the company sank into obscurity, finally bottoming
out in a brief stint spent producing a rivet which is used to manufacture
a specially designed auger forged to produce screws used by companies
who built machines designed to create a specialized nail used by wheelwrights
and coopers, even though there really weren’t any wheelwrights and
coopers anymore.
Thankfully for comedy lovers everywhere, I was made CEO in the early 90’s.
I leveraged an asset here, generated a revenue stream there, rode an Internet
bubble to the brink in the other place, and soon Supermasterpiece was
on top. And thanks to my shrewd business savvy, we stayed there, even
through the bust years of the late 90’s and early 00’s. By
mid-2004, we had become the multi-national media conglomerate you know
and love today.
Well, I hope that gives you a sense of the rich tradition associated with
Supermasterpiece Industries, and I further hope you now realize what a
failure you are for not heading up such a glorious venture yourself.
Now, kindly stop bothering me on the streets.
Sincerely,
Chris Messick
Chief Executive Officer
Supermasterpiece Industries
Chris Messick is the C.E.O. of Supermasterpiece Industries, LLP |
