Dear Reader-

As the CEO of an enormous international media conglomerate, I feel it is my duty… nay, my PRIVILEGE to seek out and destroy any and all vestiges of low productivity that exist here at the Supermasterpiece Industries Corporate Campus. I thought I was doing a pretty darn good job, too, until a sewage pipe burst just over my lush penthouse office on the very top floor, forcing me to relocate to a less lush, but also less sewage filled cubicle on our accounts payable floor.

There, thrust as I was amongst the rabble, I spent almost my entire workday trying to quell the urge to strangle whoever was in the cubicle next to mine. This person seemed to spend almost his entire day engaging in what is commonly known as “office small talk,” but which I like to call “office stupid unproductive talk.”

As a result, I have instituted a new corporate policy, designed to eliminate this nuisance once and for all. I’m sharing it with you, our beloved consumer, so you know just how dedicated we are to bringing you the rich comedy product Supermasterpiece is known for.

SUPERMASTERPIECE PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCEMENT PROJECT
PHASE ONE: SMALL TALK


CATEGORY I OFFENSES

Engaging in any of the following will result in an immediate disciplinary review:

  • Discussing any non-post season sporting event
  • Discussing who is bonking who on that Horny Housewives show (or whatever it’s called) or any other discussion of any dramatic, comedic, or documentary television or radio program
  • Expressing any opinion, either positive or negative, about any so-called “Reality TV” show, or contestant thereon
  • Theorizing about or speculating upon any past, current, or future weather event or condition or climatic activity UNLESS said theorizing or speculation concerns finding a way to make it to work on time despite said event, condition, or activity


CATEGORY II OFFENSES

The following will result in immediate unpaid suspension:

  • Disseminating any humorous chain e-mail, unless such e-mail contains a joke deemed “hilarious” by an independent review board
  • Disseminating any chain e-mail which implies a wish or desire will be granted if said e-mail is distributed to a certain number of persons, unless such granting of wish or desire is guaranteed in a standard contract and submitted to Legal for review, and said wish or desire directly benefits the Executive Board and/or shareholders of Supermasterpiece Industries
  • Even THINKING about showing somebody a picture of your stupid baby, as all babies look alike, and we’ve all seen one at some point, so we don’t care what yours looks like


CATEGORY III OFFENSES


Uttering any of the following sentences or phrases will result in immediate termination:

  • “Well, it looks like spring has sprung!”
  • “Happy Monday to ya!”
  • “Are you working hard… or hardly working?!!?!”
  • Any “catch phrase” made popular by an advertising campaign, noted sports or entertainment figure, politician, film, or the Saturday Night Live program, which hasn’t really been that funny since Dana Carvey left the show

Unfortunately, those panty waists in Legal made me strike all the language about me personally punching offenders in the face for Category III offenses. Still, I think you can see how dedicated we are, as a corporation, to providing our readers with as much funny as we can fit into a standard 40-hour work week.

Sure, we’ve already had to fire 22% of our employees, and suspend another 41%, but I can guarantee our remaining employees function in a much more productive workplace.

And now that the pipe is fixed and most of the sewage in my office is cleared away, I’m anxious to move ahead with Productivity Enhancement Project Phase Two: Corporate Diapers. I know what goes on during those “bathroom breaks,” and it certainly isn’t work. Plus, I’m not sure how long the repair job on this pipe is going to hold up, as we had to suspend almost all of our maintenance people.

Sincerely,

Chris Messick
Chief Executive Officer
Supermasterpiece Industries

Chris Messick is the C.E.O. of Supermasterpiece.com