Dear Reader-
As the CEO of an enormous international media conglomerate, I feel it
is my duty… nay, my PRIVILEGE to seek out and destroy any and
all vestiges of low productivity that exist here at the Supermasterpiece
Industries Corporate Campus. I thought I was doing a pretty darn good
job, too, until a sewage pipe burst just over my lush penthouse office
on the very top floor, forcing me to relocate to a less lush, but also
less sewage filled cubicle on our accounts payable floor.
There, thrust as I was amongst the rabble, I spent almost my entire
workday trying to quell the urge to strangle whoever was in the cubicle
next
to mine. This person seemed to spend almost his entire day engaging in
what is commonly known as “office small talk,” but which
I like to call “office stupid unproductive talk.”
As a result, I have instituted a new corporate policy, designed to eliminate
this nuisance once and for all. I’m sharing it with you, our beloved
consumer, so you know just how dedicated we are to bringing you the rich
comedy product Supermasterpiece is known for.
SUPERMASTERPIECE PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCEMENT PROJECT
PHASE ONE: SMALL TALK
CATEGORY I OFFENSES
Engaging in any of the following will result in an immediate disciplinary
review:
- Discussing any non-post season sporting event
- Discussing who is bonking who on that Horny Housewives show (or
whatever it’s called) or any other discussion of any dramatic,
comedic, or documentary television or radio program
- Expressing any opinion, either positive or negative, about any
so-called “Reality
TV” show, or contestant thereon
- Theorizing about or speculating upon any past, current, or future
weather event or condition or climatic activity UNLESS said theorizing
or
speculation concerns finding a way to make it to work on time despite said
event, condition, or activity
CATEGORY II OFFENSES
The following will result in immediate unpaid suspension:
-
Disseminating any humorous chain e-mail, unless such e-mail contains
a joke deemed “hilarious” by an independent
review board
- Disseminating any chain e-mail which implies a wish or desire
will be granted if said e-mail is distributed to a certain number
of persons, unless such granting of wish or desire is guaranteed in a standard
contract and submitted to Legal for review, and said wish or desire
directly
benefits
the Executive Board and/or shareholders of Supermasterpiece
Industries
- Even THINKING about showing somebody a picture of your stupid
baby, as all babies look alike, and we’ve all seen one at some point, so
we don’t care what yours looks like
CATEGORY III OFFENSES
Uttering any of the following sentences or phrases will result in immediate
termination:
- “Well, it looks like spring has sprung!”
- “Happy Monday to ya!”
- “Are you working hard… or hardly working?!!?!”
- Any “catch phrase” made popular by an advertising campaign,
noted sports or entertainment figure, politician, film, or the Saturday
Night Live program, which hasn’t really been that funny since
Dana Carvey left the show
Unfortunately, those panty waists in Legal made me strike all the language
about me personally punching offenders in the face for Category III
offenses. Still, I think you can see how dedicated we are, as a corporation,
to
providing our readers with as much funny as we can fit into a standard
40-hour work week.
Sure, we’ve already had to fire 22% of our employees, and suspend
another 41%, but I can guarantee our remaining employees function in
a much more productive workplace.
And now that the pipe is fixed and most of the sewage in my office
is cleared away, I’m anxious to move ahead with Productivity Enhancement
Project Phase Two: Corporate Diapers. I know what goes on during those “bathroom
breaks,” and it certainly isn’t work. Plus, I’m not
sure how long the repair job on this pipe is going to hold up, as we
had to suspend almost all of our maintenance people.
Sincerely,
Chris Messick
Chief Executive Officer
Supermasterpiece Industries
Chris Messick is the C.E.O. of Supermasterpiece.com |
