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If you’re anything like me, you probably spend a good portion of your day trying to figure out how to reduce the tax burden on your enormous, multi-national mega-corporation, while ensuring that any taxes you do pay go straight back into your corporate pockets in the form of tax incentives for outsourcing, loopholes in the offshore incorporation laws, etc. Sure, it’s
easy to do now, but it might not stay that way. That’s why I’m
asking each and every one of you to tell your personal assistant to remind
you to vote in the upcoming presidential election. Also, be sure to ask
her or him to find out when it is, because I can’t remember. Judging
from the poor spelling and grammar and the “Me first! Gimme gimme!”
tone of the letters and e-mails we receive here at the Supermasterpiece
Corporate Campus, I’m thinking that many of our loyal readers are
in fact “young people”. That’s great, because it means
that most of you don’t watch the news or pick up a newspaper. Hey,
I don’t blame you! Why waste your time with that “uncool”
stuff? I’ll sum up the race for you right here, so you won’t
have to dirty your creamy, un-calloused hands with ugly newsprint. George W.
Bush is one “far out” guy! He’s “totally radical”!
You’d like to “hang out” with him, because he’s
a “cool dude”. John Kerry,
on the other hand, is “whack”! He’s a real “square”.
He’s really “funny looking” with his “droopy”
face. Am I right? Huh? That’s one “droopy” face! Trust me,
W is the way to vote this time around. For one thing, he kindly offered
your beloved Supermasterpiece Industries a sweet no-bid contract to supply
the comedy infrastructure necessary to keep a free Iraq laughing it's
troubles away. Most importantly, though, he will make sure our most precious
national resources are not overtaxed… and when I say “ our
most precious national resources” I mean “corporate revenue,”
and when I say “overtaxed” I mean “taxed at all”.
And when I say "are," I mean "is". Don’t
worry! We CEOs will use the money we save to create jobs and raise salaries.
We promise. Honest. When have we ever let you down? By the way, you can
trust that this economic theory is sound… Ronald Reagan thought
it was a good idea, and there’s an airport named after him! Have
you noticed how they don’t name airports after liberals? That should
tell you something. Anyway, I’d better wrap this up, as I’m catching an early flight tomorrow from JFK for a very important business trip. If things go well, I might soon be writing to you from our NEW corporate campus, somewhere in the tax friendly Caribbean.
Sincerely, Chris Messick is the C.E.O. of Supermasterpiece.com |
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Dear
Reader: