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Dear Consumer This week at Supermasterpiece, we're doing a something a little bit different. We're giving a little, instead of taking. We're looking beyond the "bottom line". We're trying to make the world a better place. We're spending just a little bit of time trying to maximize our after tax net revenues (instead of just focusing on pre-tax income streams) by leveraging some exciting new provisions of this year's deductibility bylaws. Welcome to Supermasterpiece's Literacy Week, where the focus will be on helping our fellow human beings lead richer, more complete lives, as well as giving the boys in accounting a big, week-long deduction fest. Hey, Uncle Sam... we're providing a tax deductible public service, so put that in your fiscal pipe and smoke it, motherfucker! I'd like to begin the week by urging each and every one of you to wipe that smug smile off your face right now. Literacy affects all of us, everyday. Even if you can easily read and write perfect English (bully for you by the way, asshole), I'm sure you know a friend or loved one that could use a little touching up. If you don’t have the first clue how to understand written or spoken English, I encourage you to read on for some compelling incentives to hone your verbal and written communication skills. Take Miguel, for example. Miguel came to me several years ago in reply to an ad I'd run seeking a groundskeeper for the extensive grounds of my summer home in the Hamptons. He'd been forced to leave his country after some of his more political poetry had gotten him in hot water with the local secret police. For one sad reason or another, Miguel had never had the opportunity to learn to read or write English. This was a real shame in Miguel's case, as he would have been so bright with a little English under his belt. At any rate, I saw something in Miguel, so instead of just turning him away instantly, I took an interest. I pulled him aside and laid everything on the line. I said "Miguel, I’d like you to be my gardener. Unfortunately, you can't read or write English, so there's no way that’s going to happen. Next time, try to learn the language before you move to a new country." He tried to explain that he’d fled a few steps in front of the death squads, blah blah blah, but at Supermasterpiece, we don’t believe in excuses. I told him if he wanted me to fucking weep for him, he should fucking write me a letter, knowing full well there was no way he was going to be able to do that. I just wanted that illiterate foreigner to leave my property. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. That’s why you should learn to read. You'll never get that janitorial or landscaping job if you can't fill out an application. Okay, you probably will, but the other guys will mock you and take advantage of your simple foreign ways. Career aside, think of all the awesome literacy themed jokes you non-readers will be missing this week on Supermasterpiece. As you can see, the stakes are high. So let's get out there and learn to read and/or write! Sincerely, Chris Messick
Chris Messick is the C.E.O. of Supermasterpiece.com |
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Literacy
Matters