I watched the Emmy Awards program on television last week, and I have to say that I think awards programs are really starting to suck these days! I flatter myself that I’m somewhat of an expert on Awards programs. I’ve got a collection of videos of every Emmy, Academy, Grammy, and Tony Awards program going back to 1985 (I had the ’83 and ’84 programs as well, but I stupidly threw away all my Betamax tapes when I switched to VHS). I usually tape the shows while I watch them, but next year, I may just set my VCR timer to record and do something else instead. These awards programs aren’t as good as they used to be, that’s for sure!
For instance, I watched for a good hour or two and didn’t even see one musical production number. I don’t know about you, but that’s one of the big reasons why I watch award shows. I love the great choreography and rich production values. Plus, I don’t listen to the radio very much, so I mostly know what CDs to buy from the songs they do at Awards shows. Looks like I can pack up my CD player, and put it in the closet with my Betamax machine… thanks a lot, Emmy Awards.

Wait… maybe the Emmies never had music. I’ll be damned if I can remember. Still, I think all Award Shows could use a couple of songs, don’t you?

Secondly, the awards were hosted by that horrible Garry Sanders. Is this guy ever funny, or does he just whine all the time? I’m sure I don’t fucking know. At least he’s better than coke head prop comedian Steve Martin, or Whoopie “I’m So Rude!” Goldberg, or that terrible, terrible Billy Crystal. You know who they should get to host award shows? Alex Trebeck. Think about it… he’s smart, he’s witty, he’s classy, and he hardly ever works blue. He’d be just the breath of fresh Canadian air award shows need in this day and age!
Finally, I’ve noticed that although most of the jokes the presenters say are pretty funny, sometimes they kind of stink. These guys and gals are supposed to be funny for a living, some of them. Or else they’re supposed to be the greatest actors of our generation. If they’re so fucking funny, why can’t they write a decent joke to use on the Emmy’s? This is network television for crying out loud! I’ve even seen funnier material on our own Supermasterpiece website! Also, sometimes they tell their jokes like they’re embarrassed. C’mon guys! Get into the spirit, for fuck’s sake!

Award shows, you should be our nation’s best and brightest entertainment hope, yet you are nothing more than our nations most humiliating embarrassment. Let’s try to recapture that old ’87-’91 magic!

Chris Messick is the C.E.O. of Supermasterpiece.com