Letter from the CEO of Supermasterpiece.com

Dear Consumer-

It’s been a few months since Supermasterpiece.com premiered, and we hope you’ve enjoyed our site thus far. Here at Supermasterpiece Industries, we believe that there is nothing funnier than humor (with the possible exception of hilarity, of course) and we hope you agree.

Although it isn’t our corporate policy to deceive our customers, we have to admit we’ve been “pulling the wool” over your collective eyes over the last few months. See, we seem to have created the impression that a team of highly talented, creative, and humorous young men and women creates our content, providing you the consumer with fresh laughs on a daily basis. Although this approach might conceivably lead to humor (or hilarity in some rare instances), we feel that to rely on the whims and unpredictable creative impulses of a bunch of socially inept, directionless, and likely alcoholic contributors to provide our readers with the humorous material they crave would be irresponsible, and far too “hit or miss” to effectively drive either revenue or amusement in our customer base.

You see, we have a responsibility to our shareholders. When we present our annual report at our yearly shareholders meeting, we need to justify our exorbitant salaries. Imagine how we’d look at next year’s meeting if we said to our shareholders, “Hey, we thought our contributors would provide us with hilarious piece after hilarious piece every single day, but I guess it just didn’t work out that way. Sorry!” You can bet we’d be tossed out on our ears, with nothing more than a competitive severance package to show for our “work”.

That’s why we’ve taken all of the guesswork out of comedy. Every written piece, every comic, every feature we ever produce has carefully made it’s way through committees, focus groups, our Humor Enhancement Department, and many other steps to ensure it meets the exacting levels of laugh-ability you expect from a Supermasterpiece product.

What, did you think Stephen Levinson one day just decided that Crazy Robot should have an imaginary friend? Of course not. That idea emerged from a series of Consumer Input events we held in a mall in New Mexico. Do you think Andrew Lin has the artistic ability to draw a conclusion? Don’t make me laugh. It’s hard enough to get these guys coherent enough to sign their paychecks (especially when Stephen is on one of his famous three day cocaine and stripper benders, or when Andrew has the “nods”). Imagine if we had to actually wait around for them to be funny!

Which brings me to my larger point. You might have noticed the links to Amazon.com and the iTunes Music Store we’ve recently added to our site. Before you scream “Sell out!”, think about this: Is Coca Cola selling out when they charge money for their delicious beverages? Of course not! After all, they aren’t here to give out sugar water for free. Similarly, we’re not here to provide a bunch of “humorists” with a public outlet for their work. We’re here to generate REVENUE, to increase MARKET SHARE, and to drive BRAND AWARENESS. Nothing more, nothing less.

So, next time you’re looking to purchase some lighthearted reading material from Amazon, or inspirational music from the iTunes store, why not use our links? We’ll get a pittance from the transaction, you’ll get the books or music you need, and Andrew will get some cash for his drug habit. After all, when Andrew can’t get smack, he gets mean, he wants to hurt people, and he wants to take their money. It sure would be a shame if something were to happen to YOU...

Thanks for reading,

Chris Messick
Chief Executive Officer
Supermasterpiece Industries
cmessick@supermasterpiece.com