How to Talk More Awesome in 9 Easy Steps

Step 1: DEVELOP A CATCH PHRASE

Having your own “catch phrase” is an absolute must for today’s awesome talker. Think about a word or phrase that neatly encapsulates your personality, and then begin saying it whenever you possibly can. I recommend you use either “That’s a no-can-do, you sack of shit!” or “I have to piss like a racehorse!”


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Step 2: LEARN THE RULES OF THE LANGUAGE

You don’t want to sound like a moron, do you? Learn the language before you decide you want to speak it more awesomely! For instance, when speaking, remember the difference between “there,” “their” and “they’re”.

Step 3: FORGET EVERYTHING YOU’VE LEARNED ABOUT GRAMMER

You don’t want to sound like a square, do you? Nobody says “whom”! You sound stupid when you do. Also, the rules may very well state that you should use “an” before a word that starts with a hard “h” sound, but that doesn’t mean you should do it. It’s really embarrassing how you keep saying “she’s an hot piece of ass”.

Step 4: URBAN COLLOQUIALISMS ARE AWESOME

But please don’t call people “my man” like that. I know it sounds really cool when they say it in the movies, but you just sound like a dork.

Step 5: IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY

True story: I knew this kid in high school who talked normally, just like a regular person. Then one day, he watched “Pump Up The Volume”. The next day at school, he was talking like Christian Slater. He kept talking that way all through high school, and well into college, which is when I stopped hanging out with him. What a tool that guy was!

Step 6: INCREASE THE POWER OF YOUR WORD VOCABULARY

Here’s a tip to add a ton of awesome words to your vocabulary: Everyday, flip to a random page in the dictionary and point to a random word. Your challenge is to use that word in your everyday conversation today. For example, my word for today was “golgi apparatus.” See? I’ve just used it in a sentence. Awesome!

Step 7: CHILDREN SHOULD BE SEEN, NOT HEARD. NOT!

Face it, teens talk awesome. You can pick up tons of awesome things to say just by listening to them. Keep your ear to the ground when you’re around teenagers, and before you know it, you’ll be whining about how like no one like understands you, but like you can’t live without like your cell phone, and like the blah blah blah about the stupid noise that they listen to that isn’t music, but I don’t know what it is. Now you’re talking like a teen! As if!

Step 8: ANTICIPATE, DON’T REPLICATE

Don’t be a copy cat! Think about what the next kind of slang will be, and start talking that way before anyone else. For instance, with people using e-mail and text messaging technology more and more these days, it’s only a matter of time before elements of this world creep into everyday slang. Why not get a head start? As you speak, try to use your face to imitate common “emoticons”, or say NGYH next time you need to enter a not-guilty plea in court. That’s awesome!

Step 9: AWESOME IS IN THE EAR OF THE BELISTENER

No it’s not. Some people talk awesome and other people don’t. You don’t. Just face it and move on with your life. Don’t you have enough to worry about?

Chris Messick is a co-founder of Supermasterpiece.com. Read some letters he wrote here and more of his writing on this page.